I Am So Sad

Last weekend a childhood friend of mine passed away. He left behind 3 small children. Although I did not stay in close contact with him in the past 15 years, I have fond high school memories of him. We were in the same ward for many years. He had warm and inviting personality and a great smile. We hung out in seminary and at many youth activities. I am sad that his life was cut short. I can't stop thinking about his parents, and his children. I am so sad.
Paul and I have experienced losing many people near and dear to us. We both have lost best friends one age 30 and one age 29 and Paul's Mom. With the passing of another friend the pain of losing those others feels new again. I miss our friends and family that are not here. I hurt all over again. I hurt for their children. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us. I do not understand it sometimes but I know that he loves us and that everything will be ok.

We do not know what the future holds for us. Every day really could be our last. I want to be a better mother, wife, friend, sister, daughter, and person in general. So anyway in addition to expressing my sadness I also want to express my gratitude for every day that I still have to love those around me as much as I can.

A Few Scattered Thoughts

I can't believe that my baby is turning one this week. I usually get rid of the bottle but I am not ready for that. I need her to still be my baby. It is interesting to me that I pushed Anne and Sam so hard to get to the next level in everything. I wanted them to read before kindergarten and Anne was potty trained at 2, she walked fast, etc. etc. I signed her up for soccer when she was 3 ( funny that most children on a 3 year old soccer team are the oldest in their family). The parents are so excited that their child can play sports so off they go. Both parents attended every practice.
Here is a picture DURING her game. Anne chased butterflies and lead the team in ring around the rosies. It was so cute. But I don't plan on putting any more of my kids on 3 year old soccer teams. There are lots of years for that.

I have 4 children ages 10, 7 and then a big space ....an almost 3 year old and 1. I am finding that with the younger two I don't want them to grow up at all. Grace is pretty much begging to be potty trained. I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know if I just don't want to stay home long enough to do it or if I just want my babies to stay babies. Grace and Brooke run around in their diapers a lot of the morning and I just love the sight. They are so fluffy and soft and cute. I took this picture with my cell phone. I was talking with our designer and trying to look at our plans. If our new house has a lot of mistakes it might be because of the following.

1. I can't think straight with kids climbing all over me and many decisions are being made that way.
2. I can't focus when it is loud. It is always loud.
3. I am naturally a little ADD. I have a hard time staying on task.
Anyway I hope I don't screw things up too much.

Here is a picture of Anne around Valentine's Day she was almost 1. I used to dress her up for the different Holidays and get her picture taken. I can't imagine doing that with Grace or Brooke now.
When Anne was starting to walk I swear I felt like her personal trainer. We would work on it together every day. It was so fun to see her walk. I would cheer her on and encourage her. With Brooke, although I encourage her and cheer her on, inside I am actually sad. I want to carry her everywhere. I don't want her to stop being a baby.

When Sam wasn't reading like Anne at four years old I visited all of the preschool programs in the area and ended up paying a lot of money to send him to a private school. (Here is a picture when Paul came to the fancy preschool to teach about how to brush your teeth etc.) He learned soooooo much but I think it did a little damage to his free spirit and the love of learning he had before. Live and learn. With Grace I want to send her to a preschool in someones home with the neighborhood kids. I am so much more relaxed about it all. Am I not being fair? Maybe Grace would love to learn spanish when she is 3 years old. The private school curriculum is amazing. Should you challenge your kids and push them to learn as much as they can as fast as they can or do you just let them be a kid for as long as they can. I want to prepare them to be successful and have the same chance as the next kid. But it all goes by so fast, I just don't want them to have to grow up so fast.

I feel like these younger two really have a different Mother than the first two at the same stage. I hope it is a better Mother but somedays I am not so sure. For the most part I feel like I have relaxed a lot in a good way. Everything is NOT perfect and that is OK. Every now and then I wonder if I have let too much go and that they are not as lucky as the first two. Will I really want to make another Halloweeen costume like I did for Anne this year? Will I want to be girl scout leader for the younger two? What if I don't want to? What if I am too old and tired? I hope I can give them all they need when it is their turn. I have even thought it is good they are so young maybe they won't remember that I used to make Halloween costumes or do girl scouts. Isn't that sad? How do parents do it with six and more kids?

I am learning as I go but am I screwing up the first two or the second two? I am totally doing things differently. Will everyone be OK?


So this is a little different post for me. I don't usually share my random thoughts. It feels a little scary actually but some of my favorites posts to read from you all out there are about your thoughts and feelings. So any way I thought I would be brave and share a little of what goes on in my mind in my insecure moments.

Highlights from the last few months

The favorite Christmas present of all! A big cardboard box! Welcome to Grace's Place.
The kids have played in the backyard for hours since Christmas day designing and painting. It is so fun to watch them work together and play. I love having free time, truly FREE. I have my kids doing so much during the school week it makes me sad that they don't have more time to just play and be a kid. My big kids enjoyed this project every bit as much as Grace. Ironic that after all of the money and effort spent into picking out perfect presents to put under the tree that they really enjoyed this the most. Kids really love the simple pleasures in life.



Hard at work on her house.
Brooke's first Christmas
Anne and I went to the temple lights and listened to the Mesa Harp Ensemble. It was a fun girls night out.
Sam was so stressed out waiting in line to meet Santa. He was about to cry and told me "Mom I think I might be on the naughty list." I reassured him that he was a good boy and all went well.
Another girls night. My parents took Anne and I to see Annie. It was darling and so fun to watch Anne loving every minute of it.
The Christmas card photo shoot. It was a little crazy.
On our way to church the Sunday before Christmas.

Grace the sheperd riding her sheep.
A very loud rendition of the nativity. It was so cute though.
Grace was right at my side every time I made pies or rolls. She loves to wear her apron and be a helper.
Our thankful turkey. All of the grandkids had fun making their feathers.
Brooke on Thanksgiving.
We have finally started construction on our new house. It is so interesting to watch the progress.
Gracie is still very much a Daddy's girl.

Our Weekend Away

Hiking Camelback December 1996

11 years and four kids later November 2007

Paul and I went away for the weekend. We physically did not go far but we went far away from our normal schedule and responsibilities. It felt like a true vacation even though we didn't travel. It was so nice to actually have Paul all to myself. It is so rare to have a Saturday where you can wake up and say "What do you want to do today?". We are all so busy running our kids around to sports and birthday parties and doing church assignments, yard work, etc. etc. it is a treat to take a break from it all. We hiked camelback mountain on Saturday afternoon. If you have not ever done that hike I highly recommend it. It was a lot harder than I remembered it but so worth the effort. It is an amazing view from up there. It is a great 360 view of the valley. It was especially neat for us because the last time we stood there was 11 years ago. It was Paul's 3rd year of dental school. We didn't have any kids yet. We looked out over the valley and wondered if that is where we were going to live and raise our family. We were not totally sure about AZ at that time. It was fun to remember that time and think about all that we have been through together since then. We are so glad that we are here, we love AZ.

It seems crazy that we have had 4 kids and been in AZ 9 years already. Time flies. When I turned 30 I was just happy and excited to be 30. I loved where I was in my life. I never have wanted to be younger than I am. I would hate to have to go through the whole dating game again. I would not want to start over bearing children and going through all the schooling etc. I was just very content and happy to be 30. I am now 34 approaching 35 and I mostly have those same feelings except for that fact that my body does feel like I am getting older. My knees for one are starting to feel different. That is the only part of aging that I dont like, other than that I actually like getting older. I have learned so much from my experiences and from wonderful people around me. I think I am easier on myself and others. I don't care what people think of me as much. Of course I still do a little. On the other hand there is so much more I want to experience and learn. I have so many things to work on. It scares me that I haven't progressed more in certain areas. I look forward to each new chapter in my life. Anyway the hike was a good way to sit back and reflect on this journey called life. I just hope I am able to make that climb again in 10 more years.

Felicity and Elizabeth

Here they are. Cousin Elizabeth and Anne. They read the American Girls books at the same time and decided that they should be the characters for Halloween this year. This is our cousin Elizabeth Curtis dressed as Elizabeth Cole. They thought it was so cool that she had the right name for the part. My sister in law Sarah Curtis made the blue dress and I made Anne's. It was quite the process but so fun to do with family. I really don't sew so it is a miracle that this even turned out. The girls have had a lot of fun playing together as their characters.

Halloween 2007

Here is our spooky little witch Brooke. Not so spooky.
"What you gone be fur Halween?"
"I be Flutterby!"
I gotta a kick out of Grace this year. She would ask everyone what they were going to be for Halloween. She told me I should be Grace and put a bow in my hair just like she wears.
Sam looked through the costume catalog and said "that looks cool, I want that". If you ask him what he was for Halloween he says"I don't know some cool black guy". It is all about the weapons and feeling tough. Grandpa gave him this headband from Japan and that was a last minute addition.
Meet American Girl Felicity Merriman from 1774. Anne has a much different approach to selecting what she will be for Halloween than Sam. She has been planning this costume since the spring. There was a lot of research on her part to get everything just right. She loves to read books about this time period. She was so cute.... she wore her costume and watched the Felicity movie so she could practice her accent and took notes of phrases to say. She was a great Felicity...... english accent, proper etiquette, curtsy and all!

Grace's Favorite Thing to Do

Painting with my big sis while only wearing a diaper...... what more could I ask for? Grace has really become one artsy kid lately. She asks at least once a day "Can I paint?" So we have the routine down. Strip clothes, get out paint, clean up kid and kitchen later. I may not have a house of order but who cares. This is what I call a great day. I have lots of time to figure out the clean house when my kids get older right?

One Serious Daddy's Girl

Gracie Girl.
Brooke 8 months.

Every morning Grace wakes up and asks in a very sad voice "Did Daddy go to work?" After I tell her yes she starts to cry and say "I want Daddy!" She knows he goes to work before we all wake up but I guess she just hopes that every day might be Saturday or something. So I finally decided that maybe it would help her to see where he worked. So we drove the 45 minutes to go have a 15 minute lunch date with Daddy. As you can see the girls were thrilled to see Daddy at lunch time.
Daddy even gave them a tour of the office. Grace loved getting stickers and a pencil but did not like getting in the exam chair... smart girl.

Smores for Family Night

Sam and Griffin after getting their haircut together. What a fun play date! I just had to throw this cute picture in too.
Thank you Daddy for letting us have a fire in the backyard when it is never convenient and the kids will not get to bed on time. They loved it and somtimes making fun memories isn't convenient

Blanket Drive

What cute Girl Scouts. Anne and Audrey did a great job collecting blankets for the County Hospital. Thank you friends and family who helped them help others.

Fall Break Trip to Florida

Where there is Renee, there is a party. This is Paul's sister Renee. Here she is with her AMAZING cinnamon rolls. So much for me trying to lose that last bit of baby weight. Not with Renee cooking up a storm for us. She and her family were wonderful hosts as we visited them in Florida.
This family has such a different life than we do. Our kids are so envious. They live in the middle of the Deseret Cattle Ranch. They are surrounded by gorgeous trees, wide open and I mean wide open spaces, and endless wildlife. A kids paradise REALLY!
And here are the cows!
These short little knobby things coming up from the ground are called tree knees. They are actually the roots coming up out of the ground. It looked like a scene out of a movie. So moody and interesting.
Anne at the shell pit. On the ranch they mine shells, most of the roads in Florida are made from shells. Who knew? Not me.

So I am still learning how to post to this blog. I am so sorry that these pictures are in a crazy order. I am too tired to start over so I am just going to continue with the way they are coming up. Here is Grace at the Epcot center making a mask.
France at the Epcot center. This is as close to Europe that I am going to get for awhile.
This is where you could find Anne for four days. They had a big tower to climb up and jump off of. The trees were amazing.

Grandpa, Uncle Erik, and Paul on the airboat.
Grace loved riding the horse.
We had a great day at Cocoa Beach. We went to Ron Jon's Surf Shop.

We spent three days at Disney. We did Disneyworld, Animal kingdom, and Epcot. Really crowded, really hot, and very tiring with two kids in diapers, and a big stroller. After three days we asked the kids if they wanted to go back to one of the parks or go back to the Ranch and they all yelled "THE RANCH!" We are glad we went but we are little disneyed out. We hardly took any pictures, our hands were always busy with little kids and we were so tired.
I feel like four kids is a lot for me to handle. I am still getting used to it but living in Gilbert you see families with four and more kids all of the time. So really I don't feel like four is a crazy number. When we were in the airport traveling with our kids we could feel the people staring at us and commenting as we went through security. It actually was quite a sight to see us break down the double stroller, load the bags and backpacks on to the kids, take off everyones shoes and chase Grace who had crawled under the security tables behind the little gate while holding a baby. It was a relief to get through that each time. That was the trickiest part of the whole trip. We felt like a crazy out of control group which we were. After we got to the gate we joined our friends who have six boys and are expecting their seventh baby, then people didn't stare at us so much. At one point Paul and the other Mom were standing in line with all ten kids without the other spouses and they got some serious looks and comments. You could see the people trying to count the kids. Any way the kids did GREAT on the flight.

The three statements heard over and over again from Grace. "Where are my sungwasses?"
"I can't know! " and " Are we going to Disneywand?" Grace kind of has a low voice and she makes us laugh non stop.
The definite highlight of the trip was the airboat boat ride. Uncle Erick is the general manager of Deseret Cattle Ranch in Florida owned by the LDS church. The ranch is about 350,000 acres. It is unreal! Cattle, citrus, alligators, snakes, frogs, wild turkeys ...... there was no end to the wild life.
This alligator was just laying on the side of the river. We turned around and watched him for awhile. It was so cool to be so close.


Anne had so much fun with all of the cousins. She and Lizzie collected frogs, drove the go cart, rode horses, played in the trees for hours and painted shells.

We had a wonderful with family that we don't see very often. We sure wish we lived closer the the Brenchley cousins. We enjoyed every moment that we got to spend together.